avoidance

more often than not, i choose to disengage.
i choose social media & my iPhone over a good book.
i choose pandora all hours of the day in order to escape my own head.
i choose bingeing on netflix to numb loneliness and discontent.

these choices are alarming, unhealthy and worst of all, normal.

i don't know where i'm going, but it's becoming clear that this is where I am. and I had to tell someone- naturally I chose the interwebs. it's as though i'm waking up and becoming alive to certain habits and tendencies. we (if I include you in this too it makes me feel better, of course) are creatures of habit. obviously blogging is not one of my habits, but masking vulnerability, devaluing myself and disengaging are.

we all need help (again with the we, but mostly me).

What's to Come

Things to look forward to... (because sometimes we need reminding).


1. CAMP: where I can act like a child, paint my face and have multiple emotional breakdowns and be totally normal.

2. NEW STAFF: fresh meat at camp means story time, shared experiences and new perspectives. new staff keep camp thriving.

3. BEACH: for the first time in two years, I will welcome the sun to scorch my skin on white sand this Saturday. For one day. #worthit & it's also my first SC beach experience! Woot.

4. CHANGE: embracing the chaos of summer, pulling out all my extraversion and adapting to a life of self-forgetfulness called camp.

5. LEARNING: every year i've worked at merri-mac it's looked totally different. different people, different struggles, different joys.. I always learn. Come on, life lessons- the hard and the harder, I know you're just around the corner.

Mount Mitchell State Park, Highest Peak East of the MS River

p.s. trying to get into shorter blogs.
so, bye for now!

xoxo

thirteen things I loved about my year twenty-three.

Some of you may know that 24 is my favorite number, meaning I've been looking forward to my 24th birthday for well over six months. I've felt 24 for a while… so it's time. However, there are many things I've loved about my year being 23… and here are some: 

1. Moving to North Carolina. okay, technically I was 22 when I moved here, but I turned twenty three FOUR days after. Haley & Anne made my birthday super special and we christened my 23rd year in NC with Hey, Hey Cupcakes at Wicked Weed Brewing (two favorites). Moving was a life changing decision that I have not once regretted. 

2. Being CIT Director at Camp. there are many ways I fell short during my time as CIT Director, but having this role at camp was my favorite summer yet. It was the most unique time with my girls and gave me an amazing friendship with my co-director, Robert. My three months as CIT Director were chalked full of lessons my girls taught me & I am so grateful. 

3. Becoming a professional bridesmaid. during my calendar year of being 23, three of my closest friends from MC got married. Some of you may have heard some complaints about these duties, but really.. in that moment where one of your closest friends is walking down the aisle, it is all worth it. Marriage is a beautiful thing and I was lucky to stand beside Kristen, Laura and Kendall on their big days. 

4. Getting more married friends. (on the topic of marriage…) most of my friends here in Black Mountain are married, and I have loved getting a peek into their marriages. Marriage is scary and daunting and crazy but watching my friends love their spouses so graciously while simultaneously being honest about the tough moments has been a constant encouragement. 

5. One word: Bruiser. I love dogs, but this dog is the best. The end. 

6. Living with Haley Fulford. Yep, Hales, you got that right. When I moved to NC, Haley literally shared her bed with me for the first month so I wouldn't have to sleep on the old, creeky side of the house alone. I'm forever grateful. Living with Haley taught me a lot about myself (how important communication is…). She's the yin to my yang-- she brings out fun Mary Kathryn like no one else. Our silly and our serious moments are some of my favorite this year. 

7. Asheville. On a lighter note-- this city is just so fun. Always somewhere fun to go & something new to try. 

8. TRYING NEW FOODS. when i first moved here, i started a list of things i was trying for the first time. here are a few: cauliflower, crunch peanut butter, kale, radishes, olives, cuscus, pistachios, mushrooms, pad thai, curry & avocados. This is not a full list-- but y'all. I have mastered trying new foods! I may not like all of them, but I loveeee some of them. 

9. Traveling for work- this can be lonely. at one point, i was on the road for fifteen days. Luckily, visiting Haley in DC and the Evans' in PA were on this trip so I wasn't totally lonely. BUT overall, I loved the places I was able to go and the people I was able to meet and visit during my travels. 

10. New York City- of all people, I really had little desire to ever visit NYC.  Ulterior motives took me there in November, and I fell in love with the City lights. The City is overflowing with diversity, opportunity and so much intrigue. 

11. Starting to see a therapist- yeah, you read that right. I started seeing a counselor a couple months ago and she is now my BFF. a well paid BFF. She's helping me learn about the unhealthy habits I have and encouraging me to develop a healthier view of myself. Thanks, BFF. You da best.

12. Being in a long distance relationship (hence NYC, y'all)- okay, this is something I don't always love but I'm learning to…embrace. Even if the circumstances aren't what we picture as ideal, Jesus always has our best interest in His plan. 

13. Growing in knowledge of God's love for me. Sometimes I think growing up in the church really numbed me to the shocking and vulnerable reality of God's deep love for me. The past month or so I've been asking God to teach me how to operate from a place of being fully known and completely loved by Him (how freeing!) instead of a place of fear, insecurity and need for validation. I hope year 24 brings much more of this. 

"Shout! For the Lord has given you the city."

for the past few months, i've found myself growing increasingly annoyed with the amount of self-help blogs, articles like 5 reasons you should get married, 5 reasons you shouldn't get married, let-me-tell-you-what-I-think-about-everything type blogs- So I've refrained from writing. Not that I'm telling anyone what to do here, but why write if it's just white noise? 

Wrong. 

If you know me even a little bit, you probably know that I'm a verbal processor. And while, yes, publishing this blog on whatever social media site may be white noise to you, and that's okay. Each time I open a blank page I'm quickly reminded of how personal the writing experience is for me. & i love it. 

let's move on to explain this title: 

Joshua 6:16 "at the seventh time, when the priests blew the trumpets, Joshua said to the people, "Shout! For the Lord has given you the city." 

Recognize it? Yes, the story of the walls of Jericho. the Lord told Joshua this crazy plan of how the walls were going to come down around the city of Jericho & Joshua's just like "Okay, cool, I'll tell everyone." He then tells the people of Israel and they do as they are told-- they march. At what point would it have been okay for me to be like "um, we're marching and these walls are coming down? yeah, right." But, despite their circumstances-- they listened, obeyed and were blessed. On the seventh day, at the seventh time... Joshua calls out his battle cry- "Shout! For the Lord has given you this city." 

Just as He was always faithful to provide for the Israelites, He will provide for me, too. whatever crazy methods He may use, His plan will come to fruition.

when we're obedient- in the mundane, day-to-day, and in the big decisions- He is sure to bless.

the Good that He has Ordained

"I love thee for giving me clusters of grapes in the wilderness, and drops of heavenly wine that set me longing to have my fill. Apart from thee I quickly die, bereft of thee I starve, far from thee I thirst and droop; But thou art all I need." | Valley of Vision

i've started this blog and deleted it so many times. asking myself, where do i start with the goodness that God has been showing me these past few months? 
i don't even know where to begin, but i'm certain that i want all of you to experience the reality of God's goodness. whether you "feel" Him or not, His plan for you is being fulfilled. 

i catch myself at times- whether sitting at my desk at work or driving around with friends- in awe and wonder: "how on earth did I end up here?" I'm amazed at how acquainted with the depths of my heart the Lord is-He knew what I needed before I did: to be introduced to the Blue Ridge Mountains, to move away from familiarity, to be single for a season and to work in an environment where I'm completely uncomfortable most days. He knew that I would be captivated by Fall in the mountains, that I would love working for a summer camp and that I would face (multiple) seasons of joyful loneliness. 

We are living out what He has already 

o r d a i n e d.  

In the midst of this crazy, beautiful mess I am constantly comforted by the truth that my plan is already set in stone. the Lord has ordained more adventure and purpose for my little life than I could have ever dreamed. My confidence in this truth is real because I see it every day as I work for Merri-Mac and live in this dreamland of North Carolina. There will always be circumstances that remind us we aren't home yet, but 

take heart, dearly Beloved, He has 

g o o d g i f t s 

in store for you.

crunchy peanut butter.

on this day, at this moment- I'm listening to wilco pandora, gazing out the window of the Dripolator coffee house in the tiny town of Black Mountain, North Carolina. It's a breath of fresh air I breathe in slowly and deeply; I'm finally here.

my last days in Mississippi were nothing short of a whirlwind. filled with humbling love, generous friends, supportive family, sweet notes of encouragement, Gilmore Girls and a plethora of emotions.

i'm surprised at how much God is sustaining me. dang that sinful nature that resists trusting His promises. my sweet friends here are taking good care of me, and i'm lucky to have a good amount of alone time to process exactly what is happening. Here am I, in this sweet familiar town, but there is no camp. No other counselors, no campers. It's slightly bizarre. Yet nonetheless, I love it and it strangely feels like home. 

Thusfar, I've done a little work for camp but my full job starts Monday. I've set up my room for the summer, been grocery shopping, spending as much time in the Word as I can and went running today! grocery shopping was amusing. if you know me well, you know i can't cook. bread, peanut butter & honey sandwiches for me! tried crunchy peanut butter for the first time...pretty good! I also tried Curry for the first time last night (YUMMY).

Our Father is sweet to give us good gifts. THIS is a good gift, a sweet season of trying new things like crunchy peanut butter, curry and cauliflower.

Look up, my darling.

Spring has a special way of kissing me on the cheek. It's as if God is leaning down saying, "Here you are, my darling, I know you needed this."
Besides the pollen, no body needs all that.
But, really. The blooming flowers, the enticing sunshine, the constant celebration...It's a season of rejoicing- Winter is over! It seems that this should be the part where I make some sort of analogy for how this is representative of life. For some of you, maybe it is. But for me, right now this doesn't reign true.
God is teaching me to embrace all the sunshine you can get- whether it's just a ray or a full afternoon of it. Metaphorically, of course, I mean that on good days or bad days, when I feel happy or sad, God is still good and you can find sunshine when you look for it.

I'm learning that everyday you have the ability to look up, look outside yourself and be thankful.

from one to another.

from one to another, it seems transition might imbed itself into my life for the next few years. yet it's in transition that i find myself most reliant on my Constant. so, for that I'm thankful. on days like yesterday where i'm thankful for belhaven, a beautiful day, a walk with a friend and boisterous laughter, i actually do question my move. i'm finally comfortable here, Jackson's not so bad. 

for the record, jackson's absolutely not bad. it's definitely not the most hoppin' city around, but fun, friends & true community can be found. this sweet season has been just that...sweet.

while i've taken quite the break from blogging, some of you may not know. in less than two months, i'll embark on my next journey...moving to the mountains of NC! it's unforeseen how long i'll stay or exactly what i'll be doing. but, for a year at least, Black Mountain will be home to me.

the Lord has held my hand through lots of emotions, as I'm sure he will for the remainder of my journey on earth. i've been excited, nervous, anxious, uncertain, sad and many other things over this hooplah called moving. it's really quite the ordeal. but, if not now, when? never again in my life will i have such a wonderful community in two places (black mountain + jackson). following the love God's given me for camp, the people at Merri-Mac and the glorious mountains has resulted in this decision.

but, for now.. I'm completely content. Moving is becoming more a reality, but I'm not there yet. I'm here. in Jackson. working for a church I love wholeheartedly & allowing Jesus to steady my heart daily.

#2 & #3, belated.

I know it's November 4th. The fourth will come later.

For the second and third days of thanks. I can't think of any thing better than these two.

#2.
My sister, Amanda. Words can't even describe the ways that I'm thankful for this woman. Such a loving example of how to be a Godly wife and mother. I will forever be in debt to her for all the phone calls and words of advice I've needed (and continue to need) over the years. Not to mention the rides to dance, meals she fixed for me and hours she spent babysitting me.. :)

#3.
My sister, Jamie. Well, thank God we've grown away from our younger days of disagreement. I'm always grateful for Jamie's nonjudgmental nature- constantly accepting me where I am and encouraging me to be more. I rarely welcome her frank honesty but somehow I'm always appreciative on the other side.

Without these two, I wouldn't be me. But, really. If you knew them you'd know I'm the exact blend of the two. Some days I'll look like Jamie and others like Amanda. Some days I'll act like Jamie and others like Amanda. I can only pray that one day I'll love my children the way these two do. I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch them mother. It's such a blessing. Love you, sisters. :)

thankful #1

the struggles of this season, the thoughts and concerns, the wonders and worries have been incessant since the coming of this new life.

That's why I've been keeping the blog in the dark. In some seasons of life, the darkness of night is just where you are- awaiting for the breaking of dawn, awaiting the light to shine. But, neverthless, it is the Love that Will Not Let Me Go that has been my beaming light. The Lord has given bountifully is many ways- with His overflowing grace and mercy and his continual provision for my vapor of a life on Earth. During this month of November, I'm planning to blog daily on things in my life which deserve thanks.

Today, on November 1, 2012, I am thankful for my parents.  

Every child disagrees with her parents. This child struggles with the desire to please her parents. But every child does not have the support that I've been given from my mama & daddy. Such precious people my parents have become to me. Because they are that- beyond being parents, they are people. I've learned to respect them and love them for who they are and be continually thankful for how they raised me and support me. 

So, here's to you Jimmy & Kathy, and here's to many more years of laughter and learning together.

 

post-grad journey thus far

wow. 
i just read every entry i've made on this blog. it's so interesting how I can so intensely feel the emotions I was having at that specific point in time. 
it's funny how God teaches me things repeatedly. He's so gracious.

well, it's September 2nd. tomorrow will be one month from when I came home from camp and that seems like ages ago. this transition has been difficult as i expected, but different.
gosh, so much in my head. 
things God is showing me: (1) He is the only permanent. This place, my job, my friends, etc won't be with me always. He will. 
(2)relationships are hard, complex and complicated. to really, truly love someone is to be selfless in your love for them. not selfish, wanting to satisfy yourself in some way from your friendship with them. 
(3)adult life is full of responsibility. but is also is full of JOY if you trust Him.
(4)i've been overwhelmed by this list of "ideas for my life" i feel i must accomplish soon. like get married, as if i have any control over that. 

i'm so thankful for this season at Fondren Church. i've been blessed by gracious volunteers and people who want to know and love me. i've seen the behind the scenes of church and haven't been scared off yet. God uses people despite our brokenness, thankfully. 

this journey with Jesus is for the long run. I still need Him every day. every moment of every hour. I need Him to show me my brokenness and lead me to His feet. This post-grad life is unlike anything I've every experienced before (obviously) and it's difficult. but I'm increasingly thankful for God's ever-present hand in my life.

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Merri-Mac...

Meg, Bex & I at Max Patch for Sunnyside trip.

First sess Sunnyside counselors plus the wonderful Christy Shores.

The one & only Alice Coughlin: my favorite person to laugh with.

My heart: Katherine Albanese, friend, encourager & former camper.

I held this bunny for twenty minutes this past Saturday. #emotionalattachment

 
Two and a half weeks remain for my time at Merri-Mac. 

This summer has been beautiful thus far. The Lord has taught me more about His steadfast love, faithfulness and sovereignty. 

His sovereignty has comforted me when I've felt nervous concerning my job this fall. His steadfast love has reminded me that despite my failures and insecurities, He loves me all the same. He has proved faithful in growing me from my time last summer at camp. God has guarded my heart and blessed me with community, accountability and unexpected friendship during these weeks at Merri-Mac. 

In the weeks to come, I am positive that He will continue to prove faithful in providing what I need for this next season of life. I'm grateful to God that He is my sustainer and refuge. Transitioning home from camp is always tough, and I expect nothing less this time around. Sweet Jesus, teach me to embrace the change of seasons. 

Hello, adult life. See you in a couple weeks!!!

mkaystew

probably too raw.

there's a time for asking yourself if you really believe what you've been saying you believe. 

i think this is healthy.

saying words repeatedly, even for years, does not mean that you actually believe what you are saying. it doesn't mean you put trust in those words. it does not mean you would stake all that you have for those words that you are saying. so, if saying it doesn't mean you believe it, what does? 

Living like you believe it. 

this post might be a little too raw, but my heart is raw tonight. so i'm going to share it.

while reading psalm 84 tonight, I came across verse 11 which reads:

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield;

the Lord bestows favor and honor

No good thing does he withhold

from those who walk uprightly"

One of the side notes led me to Psalm 34: 9&10 as well...

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
    for those who fear him have no lack! 

The young lions suffer want and hunger;
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

I'm left asking myself: do I believe that because I have God I lack nothing? I have everything I need? I have all the GOOD I will ever have because I have the Lord? 

If I choose to say I believe this, how am I acting this out? 

 I'm not. 

I am constantly seeking more,

rejecting that He is enough.  

I'm seeking wholeness in Him. 

this means sacrifice. this means rejecting the world. this means change. 

the bottom line is that He is enough. but every time I choose my way over His, I'm rejecting that fact. 

Jesus, forgive me.

brokenness.

brokenness is my condition without God. broken is my warped mind and skewed view of myself and life in general. 

fortunately my condition changed when I trusted Jesus years ago. I was hidden in Christ with God, seated at His right hand... My condition forever changed. Because of what Jesus did for me. He interceded. He paid the price that a just God demanded. 

this is a small glimpse of what God is teaching me. He controls all things, all timelines. He ordains relationships. He brings beauty from suffering.

i'm learning that the junk in my heart is forgiven by Jesus. so I need to let it go. Forget my flesh and cling to the cross because He is sufficient.

Plans for post-graduation are minimal.. but today I committed to Camp Merri-Mac for yet another summer. Knowing that my previous two summers are so completely different, I'm curious to see what this one holds.

Praise the Lord for being all knowing, all sufficient...and worthy of my all.


happy almost valentine's day, beloveds.

messy.

the blogging mood just hit me...so, here I go. warning: this entry will be choppy. (forgive me for my lack of effort pertaining to eloquent writing in this moment)

Merry Christmas & (almost) Happy New Years friends. Cheers to celebrating a holiday representing my Savior's birth and a holiday that brings in a year of new. 

i honestly haven't sat down to think about the "new year" or new years resolutions yet. i guess it's time now. i've been telling myself i'd go on a diet in january so i can be as small as my best friend in her wedding in June. i've already analyzed that because my motivation/intention isn't pure...this diet probably won't be successful. oh well.

winter reminds me of death. it's beautiful in its own way. but in my own life winter's primary purpose is to make way for Spring...for new, for refreshment, for beauty. PREPARE THE WAY FOR SPRING.

the waves of uncertainty that surround my future are quite frightening. it is hard to believe that one semester of my senior year is complete and only one remains. And it all comes down to this semester... this is the semester the Lord will show me what the near future holds. There was a possibility He would reveal it in the Fall but He did not.

I've spent a very long time buidling up to this moment. And in these months, just a few mere months, a collection of moments...plans will be made and my life will be changed. Okay, I'm going to stop because this is slightly freaking me out.

things on my mind lately... camp... a possibility for the summer and next year; moving to a new city and get a simple job...probably Asheville, Charlotte or Raleigh...an adventure that is super scary but very exciting; other things that shouldn't be blogged about.

i will end with this thought. God's goodness and sovereignty trumps my feelings and emotions. No matter how fearful I am, He is good nonetheless and He will provide for me. Praise Him for that truth. Without it, I'd be a mess without Hope. (I'm still a mess)

long time, no bloggy.

it's been a while since I've sat down to reflect and write. 

today is thanksgiving.. happy thanksgiving, y'all! although I'm thankful for a lot, that's not what I've intended to write about. Honestly, I have no intentions for this post. My desire is to reflect on all that God has been teaching me lately. so, here we go.


I've been seeking out and praying for a mentor for a long while now. I so deeply desire a one on one relationship with a woman who is willing to call me out, laugh with me, cry with me and mostly just listen to all this mumble jumble in my head. and YALL. the Lord provided. He is so faithful to have brought someone into my life to love me, walk with me through this crazy season called senior year and challenge me through the Word. We've only been "meeting" for two weeks or so and I just have really felt God's blessing all over the friendship. Thank you, sweet Jesus...He met the desire of my heart! and I am so, so thankful. 

 My best friend of 8 years got engaged last weekend!!!!! I knew for a month before it happened and it was SO incredibly difficult to keep it from her. But, it was absolutely perfect. Although she and I are the same age, clearly she is in a completely different stage of life than I am and I'm so excited about walking through this with her. It's amazing how although this is happening to Steph & Ben, God is teaching me a lot. Through their relationship/engagement, God is giving me standards that need to be met for my husband. Through this time, He is teaching me to be selfless and TRUST His timing. For Stephanie and Ben, the timing was surely the Lord's and God is steadily telling me to trust His timing with the relationship aspect of my life. I'm processing all this and it's literally been less than a week since the proposal! It's gonna be a wild ride!! But really... God is going to do some big things through this marriage & I couldn't be more thrilled!! 


I've pretty much nailed my options for next year down to two internships. This really excites me. The application process for one of them begins in January! That's right around the corner. Until then, I should be fervently praying for His hand to lead me. I'm genuinely really excited about both of these options though. They are drastically different--and I feel like choosing one is choosing an entire lifestyle and choosing the other is an entirely different lifestyle. But hey, that's my worrying side coming out. God, increase my faith and trust in You. Kill my unbelief. 
This sweet picture is from a trip to Athens, GA to see camp friends. Meg & Morgan are wonderful. Well, that's all for now. I'm working retail on black Friday so I need my sleep :) 
--Loving some Colossians one lately. He holds all together. 
selah :)

disconnect.

the disconnect between the head and the heart, or in this spiritual journey you can refer to as the Spirit and the flesh, is becoming increasingly frustrating within my mind. 



For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
(Romans 7:15-20 ESV)


In the past, this passage of Scripture was very confusing...but these are the exact thoughts I have often. My flesh flares up and fails daily. And it's always in conflict with the Spirit.
Scripture is very clear about the power of the Spirit. But, quite honestly, learning to walk by the Spirit (and what that even means or looks like on a day to day basis) has not been an easy journey. It takes sacrifice: choosing to have friendships, listen to music and watch things that encourage the Spirit within me and do not grieve it (Eph. 4:30). 
I'm learning that it is every little decision I choose that can benefit my relationship with the Lord or hinder it. Some people choose to believe that they can be "stagnant" or maybe even neutral in their walk with the Lord. From my experience, in those times I feel stagnant because I'm not growing closer to the Lord's heart I am ultimately being pulled away from it from the world. 
My prayer is that there is a bridge between this disconnect...that God would so graciously give me self-discipline to listen to and watch things that glorify Him alone, to participate in conversation that strives to honor Him & that I would make decisions led by the Spirit and not to gratify my flesh. 


Also, I've been especially blessed this week by the Lord's favor on my sister Amanda in blessing her with another child! Baby Wright #4 is on the way :) I have not always liked children, nor do I really claim to be good with them by any means right now.. but God is definitely softening my heart--and I am SO excited about this little one. I'm thankful that God has His own plan & timing. Blessings like this just can't be planned. 


that's all for now, folks. 

Fall is here, for now...

It's been a month since my last post. Oops!

In reference to that last post, the battle is not over. But thankfully God has been gracious with me, providing me with confidence and joy in Him. 

Today is the most glorious day!! It is so stinkin crazy how drastically the weather affects my mood. For instance, I woke up Tuesday morning to an insane thunderstorm. It was a crazy awesome demonstration of God's power, but it was not encouraging me to go to class. Therefore, yep, you guessed it. I skipped. First time to skip this class and it's October!! (well, almost). Today, however, myohmy ITFEELSLIKEFALL!!! Did you get that? It actually feels like Fall in Mississippi! Now, I'm enjoying it fully because (literally) only God knows what tomorrow and the next few days will feel like. But this was a glorious day to welcome in Fall Break of my senior year. What?! No Fall Break next year. EEESSH. (do I have to grow up?) This afternoon I took a sleeping bag into the backyard at my house and literally just laid there. ITWASAWESOME. seriously. one of the best ideas I've had in a while. So thankful to the Creator for blessing me with this day.

"God has a plan, He has a plan and it is good. God is good & He has a plan for me & it is good."
This is a little excerpt from my brain the last few weeks. My tendencies to plan & plan & plan some more are wanting to overtake my life. But, that's just the thing. I can't. I can't plan any further than May, when I will be a college graduate (Lord willing, of course). This week I've started two Seminary applications, researched church internships and put hard thought into working at the beautiful place called Camp Merri-Mac. SOMANYOPTIONS. It's beautiful and overwhelming all at the same time. I refuse to make this entire blog about this issue because I'm taking a break from thinking about the future for the weekend. See ya later, incessant thoughts about my life.

In other news, I attended Alcohol Anonymous last night as a requirement for one of my classes. We talked about AA and the typical routine of a meeting in class to prepare us for our individual adventures there. Nothing could have adequately prepared me for this experience. The drive to the meeting was about 40 minutes, so one of my classmates & I rode together & had some good convo. She had been to a meeting before with a friend who wanted to go. So, anywho. We arrive at our destination. Normal people, some around my age and some much older filled the room. Each face had a name, a story and a struggle. I can't tell you how I felt as each person shared their "step one." Step one is admitting that you are powerless within your struggle & that your life has become unmanageable. These people shared with such vulnerability and self-awareness. I had one woman look me straight in the eye (knowing I was a first time visitor) and tell me that she threw away her family, friends and every other opportunity that was in front of her because alcohol & drugs were the most important things in her life. Slowly as these men & women shared their stories and what it took to realize their powerlessness, they spoke of God and their desperate need for Him. GOD. GOD is responsible for the healing & restoration that has happened in the lives of these people. The little box of my life was completely blown to pieces. This experience showed me a glimpse of just how BIG our God is. His hand is present places that I have never been and will never go. He is working all things out for the good of those that love Him (rom 8:28).  This was a long spill. Worth it. Yes? hope so.

Just a glimpse into what God is teaching me...this week I was extremely humbled by the honest words of a kind friend. She blatantly called out sin in my life and it really hurt. It hurt so badly to feel like a failure of a friend...to be reminded of just how broken I am. But, at the same time it was so freeing. Yes, I am a sinner and I will never get it all right. I will never be complete until the day of Christ Jesus (phil 1:6). and I need friends like her who will tell me, just quite honestly, when I'm being a jerk. Because being a jerk doesn't exemplify Christ. at. all.

Okay, it's dinner time & I'm hungry. And, since I'm an adult I have to go COOK dinner. Pasta & chicken tonight.

Much Love.
check out Ephesians 1:18&19.

Looking up

It's difficult to believe that a month ago I was still at camp.
Life has progressed at such a quick pace, I can barely grasp it. The days pass slowly but the weeks seem to be running away from me.

Coming away from camp this time around has been extremely different than last summer. Summer of 2010 was a wonderful experience with beautiful friendships that still flourish to this day...but I did not miss camp the way that I miss Merri-Mac now. My deep love & appreciation for the staff, campers and in general, the ministry of this place runs through my veins constantly. I have accepted the challenge (without much choice, of course) of being back home, in MS, studying my butt off this last year. Thankfully the Lord has blessed me with tremendous community that welcomes me home every day (literally...they are my roommates!)...

But the adjustment has not been simple thus far. I truly believe that coming home from camp is one of the most vulnerable states one can be in spiritually speaking. Talking with other friends from camp, I'm certain that Satan has been itching to bother us with loneliness, insecurity, and distracting us from our current lives by missing camp so much.

My battle since I have been home has been spiritual & mental. My mentor growing up always told me that "the battlefield starts in the mind." I have found that to be so true always but especially at this time in my life. To sum up what God is fighting for me every day (Exodus 14:14) would be the word insecurity.  This time last year (for the first time in my life) I started to struggle with being insecure in my looks, personality and even friendships. At times Satan easily convinced me of my insufficiency in this world. Which, partly is true.. I will never be sufficient/perfect...BUT Christ redeemed me from the curse of the law (Galatians 3:13)...and THAT has made me sufficient.

These insecurities have risen yet again after returning home from camp. I was beginning to notice not only the mental lies I was believing about myself (my character & my looks) but also how these insecurities were affecting my actions. I have been less confident in speaking in class, meeting new people & trying new things...and I have hated it. Especially knowing that the root of it is this insane spiritual battle. (that Christ has already won!!)

But God is rich in mercy(Ephesians 2:4-5) and He has given me wisdom and strength to overcome moments of insecurity throughout the day. As simple as this may sound to you... It has been monumental for me. You see, all my life I have been this extremely confident person and suddenly I realized that all my confidence was found in myself (philippians 3:3)... I was a confident person because others thought highly of me. Graciously, He is holding my hand through this journey of putting confidence in Him. Today I sat by an accquaintance in one of my classes...and I think we might be friends now :)

The length of this post was necessary. The thoughts have been jumbled for a while. I'm so incredibly thankful God is giving me clarity, wisdom & security in His promises. I pray that you also find security in Him & not yourself, for we are beings full of sin.

Psalm 45:10&11

Good for the Soul

I am so excited to finally say that I am settled into my new home!! 
After a few days of back and forth from my parent's home to mine, I'm happy to be home for good. My home that is. 


This week was honestly very emotionally exhausting. I spent time unpacking, washing clothes, packing, unpacking and more packing.. I have spent time talking with friends I haven't seen all summer.. pouring out all that God taught me/is teaching me. I have skyped and talked with camp friends who are so graciously helping me through this transition. I've spent time journaling...attempting to process the eleven weeks I spent at camp. Overall, this has been a good week--vastly different than the weeks I've seen recently. But it's a good change for my soul. 


I might bite my tongue in a week for saying this... but I'm ready to start class, get a routine and get even more settled. It's hard to fathom this being my last year in school for a while...it leaves my mind to wander what I will be doing come Fall of 2012. This year will be full of lasts yet full of so many firsts as well. First house for starts! As the year progresses, I look forward to writing about all the Lord brings me to and through. If there is one thing I've learned this summer it is the beauty of His faithfulness. 


I started reading John yesterday and it is so rich. 


Check this out.. 
John 1
^"3 All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. ⁴ In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. ⁵ The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."