It is a terrible feeling, to feel inadequate. Thoughts ramble incessantly through my mind and they all boil down to my lack of belief that God loves me thoroughly. The love He has for me is equal to the love he has for the most beautiful, most organized, most talented, most involved and most accomplished student at MC. Yet constantly I find myself wanting to be more of one of those things.. more beautiful, more accomplished, more organized... I am somehow not enough.
and the worst part is, I don't really compare myself with those I don't know...it's the worst with those closest around me. why would I choose to be jealous of someone I love? Over time it wells up inside me until I break and confess my sin to God. I'm tired of being in this place. This isn't the first time I have fought this battle.
As I'm typing this the Lord brought Psalm 73 to mind... 23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
So personal and so intimate. I'm confident that God has created me to be me and no one else. It is a hard, narrow, thorn-full path.
10My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. 11See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. 12Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. 13The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.” song of songs 2:10-13
Your presence is all I’m longing for here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I’m waiting for here in the quiet place, here in the secret place
My soul waits for you alone
Like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I’ve finally found the place
Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face
I’ve finally found where I belong, I’ve finally found where I belong, In Your presence
I’ve finally found where I belong, to be with You, to be with You
I am my Beloved’s and He is mine, so come into Your garden and take delight in me, Take delight in me
Delight in me, Delight in me
Delight in me, Delight in me
Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God.
"Where I belong"-- Cory Asbury
I cannot explain to you how much my heart cries this song. I sat on my couch just a few minutes ago, tears welled up in my eyes, picturing the beauty of My Beloved. My heart breaks often in relational situations-this is my downfall. I am a professional failure at healthy guy-girl relationships. This causes my heart to break hard when it breaks--it is intense and painful. So resting in the arms of My Beloved, where I belong, is so beautiful. Trusting Him, accepting my faults and failures, and resting in His perfect love.
I can't explain this feeling... I've finally found where I belong.