not I, but HE

there's so much i want to write about right now. it's been a while since I've updated. and even in the last hour I've felt so many emotions I could put on this blog. 


God demands radical sacrifice. His Gospel requires losing our life.


If you are a Christian, YOU are dead and CHRIST is living in you.


You have chosen to abandon...
your dreams, 
your family,
your hopes, 
your plans...


in exchange for HIM. 


Why is the word "I used in our vocabulary so much? 


It's no longer my decision. I gave it up to have Him. 


Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. 

a vineyard.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give to you." John 15:16


What a beautiful picture. I am the vine, He is the vinedresser. This reminds me that ultimately He really is in control. I can choose to think of my self as one single vine, living on my own. But, in reality, I am a vine among many others and He directs our paths. 


In reality..
I am selfish, He is selfless...
I am unable, He is able...
I am unworthy, He is worthy...
I am insecure, He provides security...
I question, He is always the answer...
I am scared, He drives out fear...
I am unlovable, yet He loves me. 


Each of these things is so easy to spit out...or type out. But taking the time to breath it in and think...He is more. He is more than I ever could have asked for. Yet there is this tight knot of selfish nature cutting the circulation between the Father and myself. And daily, daily, I mean every day...I must battle to continue the flow of that circulation. 


I'm so thankful for forgiveness and love. Love is the root of it all. 


If you would, I am asking you to take a minute and pray for my missions process. A lot of money goes towards this sorta trip and it is definitely in my nature to doubt the fundraising process. Please pray with me on this. Thank you, friend.

Independent or Dependent?

blogs are creepy, in a cool sortof way.


a blog is such an expression. one can learn so much about another being from his or her blog. without even really knowing the other, feel a connection. 


sometimes i feel this way when people tell me they read my blog. I think, Oh, snap. I'm really honest on there, hope they are not disappointed in what they find kinda thing. 


But, I really don't care. My thoughts and the way I express them are here-whether you understand or care about them is not for me to decide. Oh, blogging, you are crazy weird. 


I don't like to blog about things that I've done or what I'm doing. I like to blog about thoughts. But, sometimes to avoid my thoughts, it's a temptation to just blog about what's been going down in my world on a day to day basis. But, I won't do that here. I will dig deep and be honest, because you deserve it.


This morning during church I could only think about one thing, my selfishness. I kept having thoughts and then thinking..gosh, that is so selfish. oh, well I would only do or say that to get attention. It was terrible..thought after thought about myself and how unworthy I am of salvation or Christ. and, the worst part was, I thought.. How can I fix this? But I can't. and I know that.


when I don't live day to day by faith, I lose dependency on Christ and become independent of him altogether. 
it's wretched and terrible. but it is definitely my nature. 


people think that being independent is the most freeing feeling. it's not. being completely dependent on Christ will free you and i know that because i have experienced it. 


the sermon at church today was about hope. there was one quote that stuck in my head and really clicked. "You are never beyond God's hand of power." You are never so screwed up, such a failure, so selfish...that you are beyond God's hand of power..and how dare you doubt that the God of the universe can't change you. 


I don't really want to blog about this, but I do want to make this confession: I am scared of foreign missions because I am scared that I will love it. and that doesn't fit into my plan. (how selfish, I know.) and I'll just leave that at that. 


I apologize for the length. My head is full. 

it's been over a week since I've updated. 

i have a lot going on in my head/life the past few days.. but honestly, I don't feel that blogging about it would be appropriate. 

however, 

thanksgiving break is here!! and for that, I am thankful!

Even though, Homework is literally surrounding me right now... I am still thankful to be out of school and to be home. 

Home isn't exactly an ideal place for me. I've never really been one to really enjoy or long to go home. But, I have already seen a few friends I don't usually get to see...and that is what I enjoy about being home. 

Sometimes when I'm at school, I feel lonely and I feel like those around me just really don't know me. And when I'm home, around certain people, I feel at home. I feel known and loved.  

This is how I should feel all the time in the presence of my Savior. I realize that, too...Recently I just haven't been conscious of His presence around me...or the Holy Spirit's presence in me. 

what more could I be thankful for?? God's presence never leaving me and the gift of His spirit inside of me. 

yes, there's more inside of this head..but homework calls my name. and  I want time with my Father.

Single-versary.

It's been a few days, friends. 


Can I just say that I am so thankful to be reminded of the Lord's goodness the past few days?? 


Last night I had dinner with a sweet friend that I don't see often enough. It is SO refreshing to be able to listen to what God is doing in her life, in this season of beauty and rejoicing. 


I have watched this friend endure trial and pain and that is why it is SO BEAUTIFUL to watch this unfold and clearly see the hand of God in the middle of the mix. 


It gives me great JOY to listen to her. 


I also shared with her about my life. although the season through which I tread looks nothing like hers, I listened to myself share about my life and my eyes were opened to how present He is in my life, too! 


This EXCITES me. 


It's almost as if I go day by day, moment by moment, trying to live a life worthy of the one to which I have been called, most of the time failing. But, all the sudden, you can turn around and realize how much you've grown. Thank you, Jesus. 

You see, this is kind of new to me. This rapid growth comes so much easier as a single person. 


And, until almost a year ago, I don't remember the last time I was truly single (that my heart wasn't playing games or striving for attention). 


But, my single-anniversary is coming up, January 6th--and it will be a day of great celebration. Not celebrating me or the decision I made to be single, but a celebration of all the Lord has taught me, brought me through and used me for in this year. OH GREAT JOY. 


I smile thinking about it. 


I pray for each and every one of you reading this..that in spite of the valley or mountain you find yourself, you look for God's beauty in it. It's there. 


"You are jealous for Your glory. Your knowledge goes farther than the mind of man ever wandered, You are jealous for Your Glory." --Mandi Mapes

Fear has no place.

God is so good. 


Tonight, I was reminded of a week I spent in Paris, France where I was challenged every morning I woke up. 
I went to sleep every night knowing the Lord had held my hand all day long. 


I miss this feeling.


We sang "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant tonight at church and also last night at IT/ISEC Worship Night. 
I was bluntly confronted with my fear of foreign missions through this song. 


Verse 1:
"Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of your great name
All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of your great name
Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name
The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name."


I LOVE THIS. 


I really can't describe what is stirring in my heart right now. All I know is that I was created with purpose and He will not let me settle. Will I trust Him enough to go and give my heart to people who don't know Him? 


Trust is the big word in my life. I have entrusted my life to Christ. But, really. Do I trust Him with my daily decisions and big decisions? and if I don't, then what is trusting Him as my savior anyway? 


Chorus of this song
"Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name"


He is just that, He is worthy. 


I will respond. 

Broken Chains

Today was the first time I felt like myself in a while.


Sometimes.. I will put on an outfit and simply say.. "this isn't me."


it's the weirdest thing. and its only expectations i have for myself. but today..


i wore my purple converses, skinny jeans, and my awesome invisible children tshirt. 


the weather was beautiful, i was comfortable.. and I was joyful. 


I am so thankful for that feeling. 

"O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!...And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My Hope is in You." Psalm 39:4-5,7

this I need to be reminded every day and I think its what set me straight today. thank you, LORD for the power of your Word. How fleeting is my life? Will worry add an hour to my life? Will the Lord not provide provision and plans when the time is right? Yes. 

So, for now, as of Monday..this week is SIGNIFICANTLY better than last week. 

Also, I just listened to a sermon on marriage and I am SO glad I'm not in a relationship. I have a lot of work to do and I'm betting my husband does, too.

I'll leave you with this from "The Pursuit of God"

 ‎"self is the opaque veil that hides the face of God from us. It can be removed only in spiritual experience, never by mere instruction"-a.w. tozer

these four walls.

i have spent more time in the four walls of my room today than i ever intended to.


being sick is stinky.


well, i skipped a class today.... so, if you read my last post. there's some irony.


i'm watching the sunset out my window right now.
(i just sneezed and it kinda ruined the moment)
but God's beauty shown through creation is so great. thank you Jesus for choosing to bless me in that way.


tv is my weak point. 
i get really addicted. 
not to blame anyone, BUT my mom is like this too.
Genetic, eh? 


My friend, Taylor is coming to town and playing a show in Fondren on November 18th. :) I'm sooooo excited. 


Love from me to you, friend.

Pancakes

on a lighter note in my life, 


there are only nine classes left of each of my classes. 


nine MW and nine TR. YES. 


maybe this means I won't skip class anymore? 
doubtful.


or maybe it means I'll skip as many as I can?? 
more likely.


satan  hits me with self-esteem, y'all. he really uses it to get me down. and i've been letting him use it immensely lately. i CANT do that anymore. CANT. WONT. REFUSE TO. 


back up, satan.


anywho. i have been sneezing a lot. i hate sneezing and i woke up this morning with drainage out the wazoo. sickness, here I come. 


this weekend i'm planning to have some meaningful convo's with Melinda McAdams and Marianna Myrick...looking forward to it!


I wanted to go to Oxford and see Kelly P and LB, but I needed to make a grown up decision and do what I need to do. Relax and process this whirlwind of a life with some people I love.


Maybe my sweet daddy will make me pancakes again this weekend. 


It's looking up my friends. I'm going to be okay. God is in control, but He's not finished yet.


Today is an old friend's birthday and I'm wishing that I could wish him a happy birthday, but I just can't. We are not at that stage yet. 


I hope you each have a lovely Thursday an even lovelier weekend.


I have class in 7 hours and a test in 11 hours. Ah!


Good night,  beloved friends.

It's Pouring.

When it rains, it pours..and I'm not talking about the weather. 


From Sunday night until this very moment, I have felt as if I am consumed by a whirlwind of emotions, a hurricane of sadness followed by an ocean tears. 


I have cried more in the past two days than I have this entire semester. 
I say this not for your pity, at all. This blog is simply my internet diary. Typing it out feels good. Feel no pity on me please, I'm not deserving.


It's almost like a tornado. It started with one thing, but as time went on the tornado grew larger, taking out more area and more aspects of my life. 


It's almost as if God is saying, "If I take it all away, will you finally see Me again?"


Taking a glimpse at the past few days, 

• I see that God is faithful to answer prayers (I asked him--in my blog--to humble me yesterday and I have never felt my pride be so flattened)

• I have compared myself with other people... I'm realizing that God compares me to no one. That's because He know me well. He doesn't need to compare me to others to learn about me.
• I have become comfortable with finances, taking advantage of what I have. Well, He stripped me of that when I had to pay a 211.50 ticket this afternoon, when I thought it was getting dismissed. I was especially broken when my bank account said 209. 00--so thankful for friends. 

At the drop of a hat, I can just let the tears fall. It doesn't help that it's "that time" either. You know, it always intensifies everything. But I'm not always like this during "that time"--so I know that I can't blame all these emotions/events on that. I know God is moving. 

"Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. "Psalm 27:3

At Merri-Mac this summer, we sang "He loves us" by David Crowder a lot. I was already very familiar with that song. I loved it and still do.


One line reads as follows...
"Love's like a hurricane; I am a tree, bending beneath the wind and the weight of His Mercy"
This is how I feel. I'm a tree, being bent, twisted and contorted into uncomfortable and painful places. 


Proverbs 3:
(11)My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline,
   and do not resent his rebuke,
(12)because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
   as a father the son he delights in.


It's safe to say that I have an abundance to be thankful for. Having a broken and humbled spirit isn't so bad, although I could do without the flood of tears. 


Grace and Peace be with you, my friends. 


p.s. picture is courtesy of an old friend that shall remain nameless for the time being. i'm sure he'll come up again one day.

faithful sisters

i am learning that family is the hardest relationships to handle.
(i can't even imagine marriage right now).


when things are one way for so, so long and your mind gets so set in that way..
it is VERY hard to change. 


The way I treat my sisters is unacceptable most of the time. I can be the biggest jerk..only because I know they will love me still. They have to, they're family.


In what way does this show the constant renewing of my mind? 
Well, is my mind being constantly renewed? 
If it were, would I still be treating them so negatively and holding things against them from years ago? 


No.


I'm a mess. still. 


I need humility, bad. Today I pray that God would show me how crappy I am without Him. I need this reminder. I might regret this prayer soon. But Lord, bring it hard. 

beautiful disaster.

Jeremiah says that the heart is deceitful, "who can trust it?" 

Yet I do, everyday.

Interesting. 

I am a mess this semester, and I think this will be my way of putting it all out there. 

I'm constantly hitting a brick wall. 

I'm so tired of this wall.

If only I could identify what exactly it is. 

This semester I am supposed to be learning self-discipline, how to live by myself (in a dorm), etc, etc. I just know that's what He is trying to teach me. But I always run. I find people to hang out with, places to go, ultimately escaping this loneliness. 

My heart has been aching towards a certain situation lately. One that I've been healed from, thankfully, yet it has been consuming my thoughts a lot. A wounded heart really does take time. 

Life is a beautiful disaster; i can thank switchfoot for that great phrase. It so perfectly describes my attitude towards life at times. This one in particular.

But I am a warrior princess. He has redeemed me and saved me from my deceitful heart, if I will let Him. Pursue me harder, Lord. Don't let me run anymore.