messy.

the blogging mood just hit me...so, here I go. warning: this entry will be choppy. (forgive me for my lack of effort pertaining to eloquent writing in this moment)

Merry Christmas & (almost) Happy New Years friends. Cheers to celebrating a holiday representing my Savior's birth and a holiday that brings in a year of new. 

i honestly haven't sat down to think about the "new year" or new years resolutions yet. i guess it's time now. i've been telling myself i'd go on a diet in january so i can be as small as my best friend in her wedding in June. i've already analyzed that because my motivation/intention isn't pure...this diet probably won't be successful. oh well.

winter reminds me of death. it's beautiful in its own way. but in my own life winter's primary purpose is to make way for Spring...for new, for refreshment, for beauty. PREPARE THE WAY FOR SPRING.

the waves of uncertainty that surround my future are quite frightening. it is hard to believe that one semester of my senior year is complete and only one remains. And it all comes down to this semester... this is the semester the Lord will show me what the near future holds. There was a possibility He would reveal it in the Fall but He did not.

I've spent a very long time buidling up to this moment. And in these months, just a few mere months, a collection of moments...plans will be made and my life will be changed. Okay, I'm going to stop because this is slightly freaking me out.

things on my mind lately... camp... a possibility for the summer and next year; moving to a new city and get a simple job...probably Asheville, Charlotte or Raleigh...an adventure that is super scary but very exciting; other things that shouldn't be blogged about.

i will end with this thought. God's goodness and sovereignty trumps my feelings and emotions. No matter how fearful I am, He is good nonetheless and He will provide for me. Praise Him for that truth. Without it, I'd be a mess without Hope. (I'm still a mess)

long time, no bloggy.

it's been a while since I've sat down to reflect and write. 

today is thanksgiving.. happy thanksgiving, y'all! although I'm thankful for a lot, that's not what I've intended to write about. Honestly, I have no intentions for this post. My desire is to reflect on all that God has been teaching me lately. so, here we go.


I've been seeking out and praying for a mentor for a long while now. I so deeply desire a one on one relationship with a woman who is willing to call me out, laugh with me, cry with me and mostly just listen to all this mumble jumble in my head. and YALL. the Lord provided. He is so faithful to have brought someone into my life to love me, walk with me through this crazy season called senior year and challenge me through the Word. We've only been "meeting" for two weeks or so and I just have really felt God's blessing all over the friendship. Thank you, sweet Jesus...He met the desire of my heart! and I am so, so thankful. 

 My best friend of 8 years got engaged last weekend!!!!! I knew for a month before it happened and it was SO incredibly difficult to keep it from her. But, it was absolutely perfect. Although she and I are the same age, clearly she is in a completely different stage of life than I am and I'm so excited about walking through this with her. It's amazing how although this is happening to Steph & Ben, God is teaching me a lot. Through their relationship/engagement, God is giving me standards that need to be met for my husband. Through this time, He is teaching me to be selfless and TRUST His timing. For Stephanie and Ben, the timing was surely the Lord's and God is steadily telling me to trust His timing with the relationship aspect of my life. I'm processing all this and it's literally been less than a week since the proposal! It's gonna be a wild ride!! But really... God is going to do some big things through this marriage & I couldn't be more thrilled!! 


I've pretty much nailed my options for next year down to two internships. This really excites me. The application process for one of them begins in January! That's right around the corner. Until then, I should be fervently praying for His hand to lead me. I'm genuinely really excited about both of these options though. They are drastically different--and I feel like choosing one is choosing an entire lifestyle and choosing the other is an entirely different lifestyle. But hey, that's my worrying side coming out. God, increase my faith and trust in You. Kill my unbelief. 
This sweet picture is from a trip to Athens, GA to see camp friends. Meg & Morgan are wonderful. Well, that's all for now. I'm working retail on black Friday so I need my sleep :) 
--Loving some Colossians one lately. He holds all together. 
selah :)

disconnect.

the disconnect between the head and the heart, or in this spiritual journey you can refer to as the Spirit and the flesh, is becoming increasingly frustrating within my mind. 



For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
(Romans 7:15-20 ESV)


In the past, this passage of Scripture was very confusing...but these are the exact thoughts I have often. My flesh flares up and fails daily. And it's always in conflict with the Spirit.
Scripture is very clear about the power of the Spirit. But, quite honestly, learning to walk by the Spirit (and what that even means or looks like on a day to day basis) has not been an easy journey. It takes sacrifice: choosing to have friendships, listen to music and watch things that encourage the Spirit within me and do not grieve it (Eph. 4:30). 
I'm learning that it is every little decision I choose that can benefit my relationship with the Lord or hinder it. Some people choose to believe that they can be "stagnant" or maybe even neutral in their walk with the Lord. From my experience, in those times I feel stagnant because I'm not growing closer to the Lord's heart I am ultimately being pulled away from it from the world. 
My prayer is that there is a bridge between this disconnect...that God would so graciously give me self-discipline to listen to and watch things that glorify Him alone, to participate in conversation that strives to honor Him & that I would make decisions led by the Spirit and not to gratify my flesh. 


Also, I've been especially blessed this week by the Lord's favor on my sister Amanda in blessing her with another child! Baby Wright #4 is on the way :) I have not always liked children, nor do I really claim to be good with them by any means right now.. but God is definitely softening my heart--and I am SO excited about this little one. I'm thankful that God has His own plan & timing. Blessings like this just can't be planned. 


that's all for now, folks. 

Fall is here, for now...

It's been a month since my last post. Oops!

In reference to that last post, the battle is not over. But thankfully God has been gracious with me, providing me with confidence and joy in Him. 

Today is the most glorious day!! It is so stinkin crazy how drastically the weather affects my mood. For instance, I woke up Tuesday morning to an insane thunderstorm. It was a crazy awesome demonstration of God's power, but it was not encouraging me to go to class. Therefore, yep, you guessed it. I skipped. First time to skip this class and it's October!! (well, almost). Today, however, myohmy ITFEELSLIKEFALL!!! Did you get that? It actually feels like Fall in Mississippi! Now, I'm enjoying it fully because (literally) only God knows what tomorrow and the next few days will feel like. But this was a glorious day to welcome in Fall Break of my senior year. What?! No Fall Break next year. EEESSH. (do I have to grow up?) This afternoon I took a sleeping bag into the backyard at my house and literally just laid there. ITWASAWESOME. seriously. one of the best ideas I've had in a while. So thankful to the Creator for blessing me with this day.

"God has a plan, He has a plan and it is good. God is good & He has a plan for me & it is good."
This is a little excerpt from my brain the last few weeks. My tendencies to plan & plan & plan some more are wanting to overtake my life. But, that's just the thing. I can't. I can't plan any further than May, when I will be a college graduate (Lord willing, of course). This week I've started two Seminary applications, researched church internships and put hard thought into working at the beautiful place called Camp Merri-Mac. SOMANYOPTIONS. It's beautiful and overwhelming all at the same time. I refuse to make this entire blog about this issue because I'm taking a break from thinking about the future for the weekend. See ya later, incessant thoughts about my life.

In other news, I attended Alcohol Anonymous last night as a requirement for one of my classes. We talked about AA and the typical routine of a meeting in class to prepare us for our individual adventures there. Nothing could have adequately prepared me for this experience. The drive to the meeting was about 40 minutes, so one of my classmates & I rode together & had some good convo. She had been to a meeting before with a friend who wanted to go. So, anywho. We arrive at our destination. Normal people, some around my age and some much older filled the room. Each face had a name, a story and a struggle. I can't tell you how I felt as each person shared their "step one." Step one is admitting that you are powerless within your struggle & that your life has become unmanageable. These people shared with such vulnerability and self-awareness. I had one woman look me straight in the eye (knowing I was a first time visitor) and tell me that she threw away her family, friends and every other opportunity that was in front of her because alcohol & drugs were the most important things in her life. Slowly as these men & women shared their stories and what it took to realize their powerlessness, they spoke of God and their desperate need for Him. GOD. GOD is responsible for the healing & restoration that has happened in the lives of these people. The little box of my life was completely blown to pieces. This experience showed me a glimpse of just how BIG our God is. His hand is present places that I have never been and will never go. He is working all things out for the good of those that love Him (rom 8:28).  This was a long spill. Worth it. Yes? hope so.

Just a glimpse into what God is teaching me...this week I was extremely humbled by the honest words of a kind friend. She blatantly called out sin in my life and it really hurt. It hurt so badly to feel like a failure of a friend...to be reminded of just how broken I am. But, at the same time it was so freeing. Yes, I am a sinner and I will never get it all right. I will never be complete until the day of Christ Jesus (phil 1:6). and I need friends like her who will tell me, just quite honestly, when I'm being a jerk. Because being a jerk doesn't exemplify Christ. at. all.

Okay, it's dinner time & I'm hungry. And, since I'm an adult I have to go COOK dinner. Pasta & chicken tonight.

Much Love.
check out Ephesians 1:18&19.

Looking up

It's difficult to believe that a month ago I was still at camp.
Life has progressed at such a quick pace, I can barely grasp it. The days pass slowly but the weeks seem to be running away from me.

Coming away from camp this time around has been extremely different than last summer. Summer of 2010 was a wonderful experience with beautiful friendships that still flourish to this day...but I did not miss camp the way that I miss Merri-Mac now. My deep love & appreciation for the staff, campers and in general, the ministry of this place runs through my veins constantly. I have accepted the challenge (without much choice, of course) of being back home, in MS, studying my butt off this last year. Thankfully the Lord has blessed me with tremendous community that welcomes me home every day (literally...they are my roommates!)...

But the adjustment has not been simple thus far. I truly believe that coming home from camp is one of the most vulnerable states one can be in spiritually speaking. Talking with other friends from camp, I'm certain that Satan has been itching to bother us with loneliness, insecurity, and distracting us from our current lives by missing camp so much.

My battle since I have been home has been spiritual & mental. My mentor growing up always told me that "the battlefield starts in the mind." I have found that to be so true always but especially at this time in my life. To sum up what God is fighting for me every day (Exodus 14:14) would be the word insecurity.  This time last year (for the first time in my life) I started to struggle with being insecure in my looks, personality and even friendships. At times Satan easily convinced me of my insufficiency in this world. Which, partly is true.. I will never be sufficient/perfect...BUT Christ redeemed me from the curse of the law (Galatians 3:13)...and THAT has made me sufficient.

These insecurities have risen yet again after returning home from camp. I was beginning to notice not only the mental lies I was believing about myself (my character & my looks) but also how these insecurities were affecting my actions. I have been less confident in speaking in class, meeting new people & trying new things...and I have hated it. Especially knowing that the root of it is this insane spiritual battle. (that Christ has already won!!)

But God is rich in mercy(Ephesians 2:4-5) and He has given me wisdom and strength to overcome moments of insecurity throughout the day. As simple as this may sound to you... It has been monumental for me. You see, all my life I have been this extremely confident person and suddenly I realized that all my confidence was found in myself (philippians 3:3)... I was a confident person because others thought highly of me. Graciously, He is holding my hand through this journey of putting confidence in Him. Today I sat by an accquaintance in one of my classes...and I think we might be friends now :)

The length of this post was necessary. The thoughts have been jumbled for a while. I'm so incredibly thankful God is giving me clarity, wisdom & security in His promises. I pray that you also find security in Him & not yourself, for we are beings full of sin.

Psalm 45:10&11

Good for the Soul

I am so excited to finally say that I am settled into my new home!! 
After a few days of back and forth from my parent's home to mine, I'm happy to be home for good. My home that is. 


This week was honestly very emotionally exhausting. I spent time unpacking, washing clothes, packing, unpacking and more packing.. I have spent time talking with friends I haven't seen all summer.. pouring out all that God taught me/is teaching me. I have skyped and talked with camp friends who are so graciously helping me through this transition. I've spent time journaling...attempting to process the eleven weeks I spent at camp. Overall, this has been a good week--vastly different than the weeks I've seen recently. But it's a good change for my soul. 


I might bite my tongue in a week for saying this... but I'm ready to start class, get a routine and get even more settled. It's hard to fathom this being my last year in school for a while...it leaves my mind to wander what I will be doing come Fall of 2012. This year will be full of lasts yet full of so many firsts as well. First house for starts! As the year progresses, I look forward to writing about all the Lord brings me to and through. If there is one thing I've learned this summer it is the beauty of His faithfulness. 


I started reading John yesterday and it is so rich. 


Check this out.. 
John 1
^"3 All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. ⁴ In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. ⁵ The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."

From this haven...

Summer is coming to a close and I haven't quite gotten a grasp on how I feel about that. 


The end of summer signifies the beginning of something else... the beginning of Fall, the reminder of harsh, crisp reality outside this camp bubble, and the first day of my senior year in college. 


Being at camp this summer has allowed me to suppress a lot of thoughts concerning my future. I am desperately praying that the Lord provides me with peace during this next season of my life.  I'm curious about what this next year will look like. I want so badly to be as disciplined and passionate about spending time with the Lord as I was Spring semester. 


I'm so sad to leave some of these beautiful camp friendships. It truly is amazing how the Lord can craft community so perfectly for an eleven week period of time. He so graciously provided me with friends to love, challenge and help me along this summer. I will miss them so much. 


However, I'm so incredibly excited to get back to the community I've been blessed with at home. It's hard to let go of where I am right now... but I am looking forward to what He has in store for me. :) 

forget not His benefits.

It's easier to title a post once it's been written.


Looking at this screen allows me to exhale. It brings me great joy to blog. 


Camp is great. No, really. Camp is great. The Lord has provided me with beautiful community through friends this summer and I have absolutely loved it. Being at Merri-Mac for a second summer has deepened my love for camp and its ministry. It is truly a joy to watch young girls live in a safe environment that allows them to be themselves...silly, fun and free of judgement. It's a beautiful thing.


In order to be home for my dear friend Mallory's wedding, I'm spending the night in a hotel room alone. This allows for much thought and contemplating of my almost eight weeks here in North Carolina. I love this place so much. So quickly has it become my home and so quickly it will no longer be. 


Living in a different state, away from my family, friends and everyday norm has made me even more thankful for the Lord's consistency. He knew all that would happen this summer and all that will happen in my lifetime...and He chooses to love me still. 


This summer I have been reminded of what a broken sinner I am. Despite my efforts to do my best in every area of camp and life at home, I have failed. And frankly that sucks. I have a tendency to hold high expectations for myself and not meeting them is just not fun. But, this summer the Lord has freed me from this captivity. If He has such great and powerful grace on me, who am I to sulk and dwell on my failures? 


Unfortunately I do not have the mental capacity to truly write about all that is going on in my head. I'm too exhausted. And I'm still processing. 


One of my first session campers wrote me a letter with Psalm 103 written at the bottom. I will leave you with its beginning...


Psalm 103
1Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
3 who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
5 who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

in the blue ridge mountains.

camp merri-mac can once again be called my home for the next 10.5 weeks!! 


this summer is going to look so much different than last summer...i can already tell. 


I arrived this past sunday...with part of my heart at home, yet extremely excited about what this summer has in store. once i hit the mountains in south carolina, there was no stopping me. there is nothing that gets me fired up than driving on an interstate, music blaring, windows down, surrounded by the blue ridge mountains. 


Monday and Tuesday was full of Wilderness First Aid training. I learned how to splint injuries, treat hypothermia, distinguish between heat exhaustion and hyponutremia and much, much more. it was quite overwhelming at first, but I really enjoyed the learning aspect. 


Wednesday I ran a few errands..hit up walmart which was a necessity considering that I left my pillow at home! The stress of Sunday morning caused me to leave my pillow and teddy bear :( but.. I'm being a big girl. I bought a new pillow and I'm cuddling with a sweatshirt for now. I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my new friend, Meg. She is from Florida and super duper sweet. 


Highlight of being at camp so far: waking up to cool weather, grabbing a cup of coffee and getting in the Word on the front porch. The front porch at Merri-Mac is always quiet. In the mornings I hear the voice of the birds and the Spirit of the Lord resting at my side and it is SUCH a beautiful thing. 


today was filled with all sorts of emotions: i began my training for backpacking. i'm not sure what i was thinking when i chose to teach this activity. i am so very excited but at the same time nervous and intimidated. i have very little experience and know none of the trails in the area. so today, with our instructor and two other backpacking staff, we hiked approx 4-5 miles, mainly uphill or downhill (both of which are difficult and take a lot of effort). and this was not easy. at the end of the hike, i felt so accomplished and wonderful. i have two more days of hiking ahead--so if you're the praying type, please do...pray for mental and physical strength. The mind is half the battle. 


So, as I dive into this summer, I am seeing difficulties in this area physically and I have also experienced some emotional difficulties over the past few days. But I'm confident that the Lord will see me through. He will be my rock and refuge. 


This was long. I apologize. Love for you all. 

season change.

the Lord is sovereign, this I truly believe. 


many of you who have read previous blog posts are aware of some of the roads the Lord has led me down this past year. He has taught me so incredibly much about depending on Him and allowing Him to be my first love. Before this season of singleness, I don't believe I knew Him as my first love, my lover and my Prince. I'm pretty sure I just loved Jesus for what He did for me and not who He is. But man, over this past year and a half He has truly shown me my depravity without Him, need for Him and the beauty of His grace! 


I have been at a place of comfort within my singleness for a while. I went through a pruning phase (John 15) in February where the Lord brought me to a place of letting go of my need for attention. He has taught (and is teaching) me to be content in Him and Him alone, my all-sufficient Savior. Part of me thought that this season would never end...I began to get really comfortable and confident in being single. 


and bammm.


God seriously knocked me off my feet and has challenged me in such a different way this past month. 


the Lord provided a boy to pursue and care for me, lead me closer to Him and keep me on my toes. 


and before I knew it, my season had changed. 


praise the Lord for a plan that's bigger than mine. because i didn't exactly picture myself having a boyfriend three days before I head to North Carolina for two and a half months. 


but. He knew all along. and His plan is good. and He is faithful. and praise the Lord that He allows us to participate in relationship with one another, because it's a beautiful picture of grace. 


good night to all. 

nothing without him.

i think i just decided that i like to write first and then title my post after its written. 


praise the Lord for His goodness. my friends, it is SUMMER. and, although I am still living in a dorm due to my job.. I am so excited about this. 


the Lord taught me a little something about myself recently.. i kinda already knew this, but he certainly reminded me.. I do not like myself when I don't spend time with Him and in the Word. 


It is so incredibly evident in my thought life and actions when I am not being faithful to my first Love. Between this past Sunday and Monday, I probably went 24 hours without spending time in the Word and I cannot tell you how crazy my thoughts were. I became full of worry and fear concerning my future and focused on things completely earthly. 


Thankfully, after my last final on Monday my sweet and precious roommate went to the library to study and allowed me the room to myself for the afternoon. It was kinda odd to spend most of my birthday afternoon alone..but it was so very refreshing. Digging in the Word and being reminded of my futile mind without Him was so very beneficial. 


So, that's just it. Living by the Spirit and walking with the Spirit are constant things that cannot be put on hold for finals. for relationships. or any other circumstances. Living by the Spirit is life. and all else follows after. 


Be encouraged. 
This is Paul's recount of his conversion and what Ananias said to him after restoring his sight: ¹⁴"And he said, The God of our fathers has appointed you to know His will and to see the Righteous One and to hear an utterance from His mouth. {acts22}


In his love and grace. 

Excitement.

i just had to put this out there. 


i am so thankful that the Lord is much bigger than my comprehension. 


i am so thankful the His plan for me is just what I could never imagine...


Just THAT much better. 


excitinggggggg!

saywhat.

I just completed the first step in applying for the International Mission Board's Journeyman program...


and I could not be more happy.


my mind could not be less on finals, seriously.


please pray with me as I go through this process the next few months. I want to be obedient in whatever He asks me to do post-graduation. 


If you don't know what the Journeyman program is you can go here and read about it. 
Two to three years of challenging ministry. 


For now, I'm going to go train a fish.... No, really. I have to for a class. 


In His grace.. Love you all. 

^"2Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord; ³seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence." 2 Peter 1

i'm astounded by this truth, that He has given us all that we need for life and godliness.. I'm so guilty of not believing this daily. 

^"19So we have the prophetic word made more sure, to which you do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star arises in your hearts." 2 Peter 1


He has given us His word, the more sure word.. that we should pay attention to. 


I wish I could kill my flesh daily with this truth. Lord, help me.

here it is.

Beloved friends, 
I haven't updated in a very long time; therefore, my mind is currently running through all the things I'd like to include in this post. Let's see.. I'll just list things in numerical fashion in some attempt to keep my thoughts organized. 


1. My middle sister is pregnant (due June 6) and she has been having a lot of back pains a few contractions lately. Please pray against this and for a safe, complete pregnancy. May His will be accomplished, whatever happens.


2. My other sister is in the ER right now for having some chest pains and she's having to stay overnight. I am trusting the Lord to take care of her. However, this has made me think about this summer and how distant I will be from them. I know it will be wonderful, but at all the same time, bittersweet.

3. These two obviously came first because they have been consuming my thoughts the past hour.
4. I can already tell this is therapeutic for me. :) 


5. man. the LORD is good. I've been reading Acts in my own personal study and it has been SO RICH. the power of the Holy Spirit is so present, so beautiful. To watch the Spirit carry Peter from this feeble man to a BOLD servant of Christ proclaiming His name. WHOA. awesome, for real.


6. Two weeks ago this coming Friday, I talked with my parents about some things the Lord is teaching me right now, namely to trust His plan post graduation (one year away!). I am pretty positive (still listening for His direction) that I won't be going straight to Grad School or Seminary. I was able to share some of the Gospel with them and how it is leading me to trust Him in my every step. This was a VERY HARD step for me. But, the feeling of obedience and responding to what He is calling you to do or say is one that holds much BEAUTY. I'm really looking forward to post-graduation, whatever that looks like. 


7. Before I get ahead of myself, I AM GOING TO BE A SENIOR so soon!! People, people... HOW did this happen? I thought graduating high school was full of emotion, but really....I've never felt pulled in so many directions before--SO EXCITED.


8. Singleness. The Lord is teaching me to cherish and adore my precious time with Him as a single person pursuing the Lord. This is a refining process, most definitely. I'm thankful that I have learned to view being single as a positive thing about myself though. I am happy to be pursuing the Lord, with or without anyone else. He is becoming my All. I'm not gonna say I've got it all together, because I still have moments (and believe I will continue to..) where I wish that I knew what my plan looked like. BUT. I don't :) and this has really taught me to pray for my husband. When I have a moment of weakness or maybe (confession time) jealousy...I have begun to turn to Him in prayer for my husband and for men in general.. to be men. 


Overwhelming!! I'll try not to go so long without writing, so maybe it will be a little less. 


For if I preach the gospel, I have nothing to boast of, for I am under compulsion; for woe is me if I do not preach the gospel. 1 corinthians 9:16

"Good News!"

"but the angel said to them, 'do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." (Luke 2:10)


what GREAT news that after years of waiting, God had chosen this time to deliver His people through HIS SON, the Savior. why would you NOT share this JOY?


"For if I preach the gospel, I have nothing to boast of, for I am under compulsion; for WOE IS ME if I do not preach the gospel." (1 corinthians 9:16)


Paul has got it right. We are under compulsion to preach the gospel. It is our duty to preach the gospel. It is nothing to brag about--because all believers are expected to share the good news! Woe is me if I do not preach the gospel. Ouch. 


This has been panging my heart recently. Father, forgive my mouth...forgive me of the godless chatter I have participated in more frequently than sharing Your Name. 


The body of Christ needs help in this area. The people around us need the gospel desperately. and we desperately need the Holy Spirit to help us. 


the Lord is cultivating a desire in my heart to apply for the IMB's Journeyman program in the fall--but I do not deserve to go if I cannot share my faith and His good news daily! Lord, give me grace and mercy...stir up this passion continuously and fling open doors around me to share Your Good News that brings great JOY.

endurance

this post is dedicated to the most love-hate relationship i have in my life right now:

running. 

a glimpse into my childhood would show little to no activity, no sports and very little playing outside. what can I say? it took a while for my adventurous side to come out. 

anywho. this led to a very unhealthy mary kathryn. unhealthy, yet satisfied with the way I was. 

so, this semester I decided to change that. running, or attempting to run has taught me so much about myself and definitely increased my intimacy with Christ! (sweet deal, huh). 

I dread it so, so much because my body physically is not used to it. But, when I go and I listen to uplifting, edifying music... I am always rewarded and reminded of Him giving me the strength to do it. I'm currently doing the "Couch to 5K" plan and I'm enjoying it. I like having someone tell me when to run, when to walk, when I'm half way and when my workout is complete! 

One thing I've learned about myself is  my fear of failure. Especially since the little voice in my headphones tells me when to run and when to walk, I'm scared I won't be able to run the entire time. I think God is teaching me that it's okay to not be perfect or maybe excel as much as I want. He is using this to teach me endurance...definitely physical endurance but also a spiritual endurance. I'm in this thing for the long run. (no pun intended.) 

:) 

bleh.

only by grace, I've been doing really well. 

but I just wasted about 2 hours and I needed to confess that. 

I'm going to dig in the Word now. 

Check out Psalm 4:2&3

failures of the flesh

It is a terrible feeling, to feel inadequate. 
Thoughts ramble incessantly through my mind and they all boil down to my lack of belief that God loves me thoroughly. 
The love He has for me is equal to the love he has for the most beautiful, most organized, most talented, most involved and most accomplished student at MC. 
Yet constantly I find myself wanting to be more of one of those things.. more beautiful, more accomplished, more organized... I am somehow not enough.


It.is.a.constant.battle. 


and the worst part is, I don't really compare myself with those I don't know...it's the worst with those closest around me. why would I choose to be jealous of someone I love? Over time it wells up inside me until I break and confess my sin to God. I'm tired of being in this place. This isn't the first time I have fought this battle. 


As I'm typing this the Lord brought Psalm 73 to mind...
 ²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever.


So personal and so intimate. I'm confident that God has created me to be me and no one else. It is a hard, narrow, thorn-full path. 

winter.

10 My beloved spoke and said to me, 
   “Arise, my darling, 
   my beautiful one, come with me. 
¹¹ See! The winter is past; 
   the rains are over and gone. 
¹² Flowers appear on the earth; 
   the season of singing has come, 
the cooing of doves 
   is heard in our land. 
¹³ The fig tree forms its early fruit; 
   the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. 
Arise, come, my darling; 
   my beautiful one, come with me.”
song of songs 2:10-13


this winter will pass.

tears shed.

Your presence is all I’m longing for here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I’m waiting for here in the quiet place, here in the secret place

My soul waits for you alone
Like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I’ve finally found the place
Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong, I’ve finally found where I belong, In Your presence
I’ve finally found where I belong, to be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine, so come into Your garden and take delight in me, Take delight in me 

Delight in me, Delight in me
Delight in me, Delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God.


"Where I belong"-- Cory Asbury


I cannot explain to you how much my heart cries this song. I sat on my couch just a few minutes ago, tears welled up in my eyes, picturing the beauty of My Beloved. My heart breaks often in relational situations-this is my downfall. I am a professional failure at healthy guy-girl relationships. This causes my heart to break hard when it breaks--it is intense and painful. So resting in the arms of My Beloved, where I belong, is so beautiful. Trusting Him, accepting my faults and failures, and resting in His perfect love.


I can't explain this feeling... I've finally found where I belong.

Happy Am I at Merri-Mac..

a series of events the past couple of days has led me to be in constant thought about Camp Merri-Mac, a place of growth, joy and friendships. there are such fond memories in my heart here. Girls ministry is my favorite ministry. 

i LOVE getting to know the sweet hearts God has created and placed in my cabin. out of this summer, i received one of the best friendships ever, my co-counselor, Caroline. i have learned so much from her and our friendship. i learned so much from the beautiful girls that surrounded me. they were full of life and eager to learn, most times. it was beautiful the way they lingered on scripture and dug into their own hearts and souls to find God. 

all this reminiscing has brought me to a place of question: will I return? Returning to camp demands sacrifice.. almost 11 weeks of my summer 10ish hours from home. missing out on memories with sweet friends. but the Lord has wired me this way. He has wired me to use my gifts, my ministry for His glory, no matter the sacrifice. 

sweet caroline and me-for Sunny-Dreams Tacky Prom

Haley, Clare, myself, Autumn and Lucy--my last day at camp.

So, for the next two weeks I've committed to pray about Merri-Mac 2011--and I will either accept or decline a job offer. 


i'm praying for clarity past emotions. i want what HE wants. 

it's tugging at me again...

i spent a week in paris, france last year that changed my life. i spent my spring break ministering to muslim women, stumbling over french with university students and serving muslim business owners by cleaning for them. it was humbling and challenging to say the least. 


recently, i have been thinking about how much Jesus reached out. it is so very easy for me spend time in my room bettering my own relationship with Christ, but how often am I reaching out beyond my comfort zone? yes, Jesus spent time alone with the father (³⁵And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.) but he was constantly in ministry with others. 


i want to sacrifice my time, money, self for Him. 




So, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling the tug to spend time overseas. i'm feeling to desire to feel uncomfortable. to go, even if it is alone. i have been so distracted by making plans for after i graduate, that i haven't focused on the present...or the near future. God, forgive me of these fleshly tendencies. 


I trust You. I believe that Your plan is better than mine. I do not want to stray. 


Lord, may I hold fast to your decrees and thus daily find Your divine path for me. 

it's just a lot.

It's been a while, my friends.  God is moving and teaching me so much. 

Christmas break was very lovely. I have come to realize that I have grown up expecting home to be a place of retreat and refuge. Some people love going home; it's their place of utmost relaxation. Going home is not always a pleasure for me. This has taught me to long for my ultimate home, the place I will feel most peace. Some people say that Christmas break should be full of nothing- only watching TV for endless hours, hanging out with no one but your family and sleeping endless hours. I have felt more and more convicted about this "home being a place of retreat" theory I have. You see, Christians never take a break from doing Christ's work. They never take a day off to relax. Christ's love compels them in all areas of life: when at school, when at work, when at home, anywhere. A Christ followers ministry happens daily. 

at this very moment I am sitting at my neatly organized desk in my newly rearranged dorm room (shout out to eb and leah frances for helping me). i'm drinking coffee and listening to john mayer. it is a peaceful moment indeed. i love moments like this where i feel that all is right. but then, as soon as i type that or think that, i think about unbelievers. i think about the reality of hell and it makes me want to scream. God, show me. Lead me in ministry-not just furthering the walks of believers but loving on unbelievers. i think about my parents, who attend church and listen to me talk about jesus but i've never heard them talk about their love for him. this is scary stuff for me. 

have you ever read anything by Donald Miller? Can I just say...obsessed? Because I am. 

Starting with Blue Like Jazz last semester, I read Through Painted Deserts over Christmas break and I am now beautifully plowing through Searching For God Knows What. This journey with Donald Miller has been amazing.  I urge you to check out Blue Like Jazz--Miller writes with astounding vulnerability and honesty about today's church and his thoughts on God. I have loved this journey. 

Today is Monday. I arrived at school Saturday night because of the "ice storm" and classes were cancelled due to the weather today. I have cleaned, organized, read, read some more, journaled, talked with some friends, played cards, etc. Yesterday I was bombarded with the fact that I do not have many friends. I have somewhat began to process this. --I have always had a group of friends...a fun group of people to go out to dinner with or stay in and watch a movie with, etc. However, I have not had that for a while. Last semester was very lonely for me because my best friend, Anna, was very busy with our tribe, Nenamoosha. This semester, however, she and I both have a lot of time on our hands... and yesterday I realized... God, this is not how you intended community to be. My best friend and I going back and forth to each others' rooms hanging out with each other on a campus that is filled with believers. It seems unright. So, I'm dedicating myself to praying for community. For this semester and for next year because Anna and I are looking to live off campus with some other people. Friendships can hurt a lot, and I think that's why I am so picky about where I invest my time. There is that factor and also that most people my age have a very distinguished group of friends. 

I apologize for the length of this entry. Oh, yeah.. I have been single for a year :) God is faithful. andddd Happy New Year! 

I've also learned a lot about the importance of the Word of God lately-so I'll leave you with this: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, Children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life-in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing" Philippians 2:14-16