blogs are creepy, in a cool sortof way.
a blog is such an expression. one can learn so much about another being from his or her blog. without even really knowing the other, feel a connection.
sometimes i feel this way when people tell me they read my blog. I think, Oh, snap. I'm really honest on there, hope they are not disappointed in what they find kinda thing.
But, I really don't care. My thoughts and the way I express them are here-whether you understand or care about them is not for me to decide. Oh, blogging, you are crazy weird.
I don't like to blog about things that I've done or what I'm doing. I like to blog about thoughts. But, sometimes to avoid my thoughts, it's a temptation to just blog about what's been going down in my world on a day to day basis. But, I won't do that here. I will dig deep and be honest, because you deserve it.
This morning during church I could only think about one thing, my selfishness. I kept having thoughts and then thinking..gosh, that is so selfish. oh, well I would only do or say that to get attention. It was terrible..thought after thought about myself and how unworthy I am of salvation or Christ. and, the worst part was, I thought.. How can I fix this? But I can't. and I know that.
when I don't live day to day by faith, I lose dependency on Christ and become independent of him altogether.
it's wretched and terrible. but it is definitely my nature.
people think that being independent is the most freeing feeling. it's not. being completely dependent on Christ will free you and i know that because i have experienced it.
the sermon at church today was about hope. there was one quote that stuck in my head and really clicked. "You are never beyond God's hand of power." You are never so screwed up, such a failure, so selfish...that you are beyond God's hand of power..and how dare you doubt that the God of the universe can't change you.
I don't really want to blog about this, but I do want to make this confession: I am scared of foreign missions because I am scared that I will love it. and that doesn't fit into my plan. (how selfish, I know.) and I'll just leave that at that.
I apologize for the length. My head is full.
you would love it. but you would also hate it. because it demands a lot of you, everything you have actually. but it's oh so worth it! and if that's what God is calling you to, it will be hard to deny it and hard to escape it.
ReplyDeletethere's nothing to be afraid of, actually, because you will never be worthy and never be capable. but the beauty of serving overseas [and i suspect in america, too] is that you have the challenge/joy of learning how to rely on him daily because you simply cannot do anything worthwhile on your own. you MUST be dependent on him.
so embrace it. it's a really fun journey :)
[and you're always welcome to come stay for a while and try it out ;) ]